?? ?My car is the main thing on my mind right now, as it died on me last week, but I should probably start that story back then.
?? ?I've mentioned that Dad has pancreatic cancer, and has a metal stent keeping the tumor from choking off his bile duct. Other than that, he's doing very well. He has no pain, his brain is clear and he's getting about as well as he has this past year. This means not much, his friends mostly come to visit him, and he likes reading and playing on the computer. Since the cancer, he's more tired and naps more, morning and afternoons, as well as hitting the hay early.
?? ?I got to see this when I went up and stayed with him and Liz last week. I wanted to see him, and to give Liz a bit of respite. Kitty and Trish are thinking the same way. I went up from Monday to Friday, and Kitty was coming to stay as long as possible, arriving Friday when I was leaving, and Trish also comes in a lot. Liz, as you may or may not know, lives in the "in-law" apartment downstairs, which she's renovated this past year.
?? ?That week happened to be the week of the County Fair, and Liz and I popped over there for a bit one day- I got an "onion blossom", and Liz got fried dough- our favorite "fair treats". I also got some local honey. We saw Charley and the Flicks there at the pavilion where people eat their food, and listen to country music. Dad didn't feel up to coming this year, even when one of his friends invited him to go to the races. When the weather was warm enough for the sliding doors to be open we could hear the midway from the kitchen, because that's how close his house is to the fairgrounds.
?? ?There's a fairly constant stream of friends coming through to chat, and bringing treats. Aunt Patty (who lives in northern NH) came by with rhubarb cake and fresh vegetables. I made him Apple pie, and V8 aspic (something I'd never tried before, but was pretty good). Liz made a pumpkin custard I liked so much I made it myself when I got home. As she points out, it's dead easy, and without crust, is a no-guilt dessert. When I say dead easy it's this simple:
?? ?1 can pumpkin
?? ?1 or 2 eggs
?? ?1 can sweetened condensed milk (OK, maybe a little guilt)
?? ?1 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
Bake at 350? until firm, in a baking dish. It'll take about 30 minutes depending on the size and shape of your dish. Liz and Willow tend to think it and pumpkin pie are best eaten with about equal volumes of whipped cream, but I like it all by itself.
?? ?The last night, when Kitty was up, we had a lovely roast beef with Yorkshire Pudding. Actually, I made two- one in the meat drippings around the roast, and one with butter. Two of us preferred it with drippings, and two preferred it with butter. I'm sure what we didn't eat that night didn't go to waste.
?? ?We did "sisterly" things like picking new fabric for the curtains for camp, although I thought we both liked it, I am fairly certain that Liz and Kitty will pick a different fabric on the next trip. (I love the country atmosphere- the lady let us take a bolt with a few yards on it to take to the lake to match against the couches there.) Kitty brought her homework to grade (she's an art teacher), and other projects. I think my embroidery and Kitty's papers drive Liz crazy. She keeps her area gorgeous, and we tend to leave our stuff where it will be convenient when we come back to it. She refers to Kitty's stuff as "Kitty litter", I have no idea what mine gets called!
?? ?Liz loaned me the use of her computer so I could do my talkshow that Wednesday. Aren't computers wonderful? They don't care from where you log in. Sadly, I missed MY computer with all my files I knew how to access. I read a lot, and worked on my embroidery, and probably caught up on my sleep as well. Liz got to take off a few times. Kitty came out with Buster, her Akita. She's staying out at her cabin at camp, while I stayed in the guest room. As it's downstairs, it's something like sleeping in a cave- very dark.
?? ?As I try not to drive after dark, I headed down about 3, and just before I got to 95 in Auburn, the car stopped going. I'd press the accelerator and it would rev, but not push the car. Triple A towed me to Pep Boys, about the only place still open, (why do these things only happen at the close of business Friday? Isn't that when we all get sick too?) and the gentleman called around for me and suggested that Butch at B&M auto was good. The fellows at Pep Boys said the same thing after diagnosing a blown transmission. Kitty came down to get me, and offered to drive me home- but then I'd have a car 3 hours away from where I was, so I went back up to Farmington, and spent another night. Dad offered me the use of his car, but it hasn't been driven for months, and is very old, and cranky. For instance after his mechanic spent 8 hours chasing down a short that drains the battery, he finally installed a "kill switch" to turn everything off when you aren't using it, and you have to turn it on again to get the car to go. Liz was dubious about the brakes, and then Trish offered to pay to rent me a car. I felt a little hesitant to accept such a huge donation, but swallowed it, and said yes, and thank you. Wow. I was amazed at how simply having the money made what seemed like an insurmountable problem a non-problem. I think I have subconscious attitudes about money that may be stopping me from making it, but in that one action, I'm feeling much more positively about money.
?? ?I also got to hear some wonderful stories from my family. Trish had "adventures" with infestations of rats in her house, and carpenter ants in her camp. The camp was also getting incursions by a lot of strangers wandering over a public bridge onto her lawn. It seems that they actually own one of three dams that didn't seem to have been taken over by the state. It was wryly fascinating to hear about her going through department after department (Fish and Game, and several others I can't remember) because each handles a different aspect of caring for the water, the bridge, the dam, and mowing the grass on the side of it, and, (what she was trying to do) putting up a no trespassing sign and gate on the end of the bridge. It shouldn't surprise anyone to hear that not all the people who wandered over the bridge from the public land side to picnic on her grass didn't clean up after themselves. Eventually she got the gate.
?? ?That reminds me of Kitty's "adventure": whoever decides these things has decided to raise the level of water in the lake her house is on three feet. I can imagine that not only will it raise the water- up to her foundations, and maybe past, it will eliminate a LOT of the frontage of most of the people who live on that lake. Lake Sabbata I think. Maybe I'm influenced by reading about the Johnstown Flood too recently, but when water goes up, the verge of the water usually spreads a LOT, and I'm thinking that all the homeowners around there would have objections. Kitty, meanwhile, is looking at how to save her house to which she and Paul have been making massive improvements over the years, and there's some question about whether the foundation work would be possible.
?? ?After hearing about this I commented, "Am I the only one without major problems?" before remembering that the reason I was there to hear the stories was because my car had died and I was looking at a tranny replacement or rebuild.
?? ?In the morning we had a family meeting about funeral plans- Dad wants to be cremated, and his ashes put beside Mothers at the cemetary up by the lake. It's VERY steep, so we figured only immediate family for the burial. Then we would have the service in the chapel at Allen's Mills, followed by a reception/gathering at the American Legion. Dad specifically said "No Long faces", and he's chosen "I'll Fly Away" (I like the one from Brother, Where Art Thou?) for his song. A lot better than my brother Bob's choice "Smile (`though your heart is aching)" Jerk! There wasn't a dry eye in the house!) We'll also have the Eddie Arnold song "Anytime (you're feeling lonely)", because Dad sang it to the girls in the hospital. I like it. Since then there have been enough inquiries that the service is now planned to be at the Congregational Church because it's much larger, followed by an afternoon gathering in the Legion hall. The idea has been broached that we could have an ice-cream bar to enhance the more up-beat mood. We will, of course, have to have the spam finger sandwiches. Not only are they traditional, we will always remember Bob's saying "I can hardly wait!" while we were planning Mom's funeral. (He may be dead, but we can still make fun of him.
?? ?Bob and Dad made the lovely box Mother's ashes were in, and dug the grave. Liz was thinking of the blisters after and was going to pay to have it done, but Trish said she wanted to do it. Dad's stone is there already, they only have to add the final date. With Mom's we were surprised by a inexpensive urn inside the cardboard, but I want to try to make an urn for Dad, since I made ?lfwine's. If I can find the portrait I started of him for his 60th birthday, and have time to finish it, I'll bring that too. Earlier this week the girls went over to the Adams (their father ran the funeral parlor we grew up next to) to arrange what services we are going to want. ("Girls", right. They are all pushing 60, and I'm pulling it.) I forget what we decided for "in lieu of flowers"- we were wondering if there's someone working on why Maine's pancreatic cancer rate is 10 times the nations- that would be a good charity to support. So while we keep updating the plans, we are a good way into it.
?? ?Trish and Kitty drove me back to Lewiston where Enterprise was open until noon, and I was back home (sweet home) by 4. The kids had managed to take care of everything without me which made me feel a bit unneeded, and I spent the rest of the day on the computer catching up with email. Well, not really, but the important stuff. I am WAY behind on promoting the con.
??? ?While I'd been unable to go up to the SCA event at Dartmoth that day, I was able to get down to the meeting of "Clan leaders" meeting for Twilight Covening on Sunday. As that's a nearly three hour drive, and I had to leave by 3:30 to get home before dark, that took up a day, and violated our basic rule that you don't spend more time in the car going to an event than you're going to spend there. I am looking forward to Twilight. It's a four day event that allows me to teach things really intensively. Last year I did RunValdr, but this year even when I signed up I knew there might be issues, so I am working with another lady, Sue Arthen, on the "Bottle-nosed Dolphin Clan". Dolphins are one of the animals that are symbol users, and we are going to be diving into the depths of Tarot. Since I have a partner, if disaster strikes, Sue can handle things without me, and that's reassuring. I'd hate to bail and leave everyone scrambling to rearrange everything.
?? ?Butch at B&M said he'd ordered the parts Friday when I'd called, and would probably have the car ready for pick-up Tuesday night. I told him I'd pick it up Wednesday morning (again, avoiding night driving), since that's how long we'd gotten the rental. It was due at 11:30, so I figured I could leave at 8:30, change cars, and then go up to see Dad briefly. (If I'm within an hour, why not?) Wednesdays is when I have my show, so I figured that an hour up and then four hours back, I could be at Dad's by 12:30 or 1, spend an hour or so, then be back home by 6:30 or 7, with plenty of time to spare before my 8 pm show. Since Dad's still in great shape, I asked the kids if they wanted to come see him. (I don't think it's necessarily a great idea to see someone in the last stages of cancer. One wants to remember a loved one the way they usually were.) Willow, Kat and John all decided to come, so that when the Enterprise people dropped us at the garage, we were not happy to discover the van still up on the lift.
?? ?We waited. I kept doing mental math to figure out how much time we had left. Kat and her fast metabolism got hungry. Willow got tired. John walked around in the yard looking bored. I had forgotten to bring something to read. They had two guys actively working on the vans underside, ignoring the frequent phone calls. When they'd been MY calls, this bothered me, (I had gotten through and he'd warned me that there was a late arriving part that needed installing, but it would be done by lunch) but when they were working on my car, I liked them not leaving it. So we waited. (As Mother used to say "I wait very fast").
?? ?What I had brought with us was a box of photo albums. Sometime after we moved to this house, and Mother died, I'd borrowed a half dozen photo albums from her. I think it was because Dan had moved out and I could anticipate the others doing the same. I wanted to collect and make copies of the really good pictures of their family so there wouldn't be the issue my generation was having of "who's got which picture?". They might not want them when they were in their twenties, but I figured years down the line, they might want a picture of me as a kid, as a teen, as a young mother, as an old mother, and ditto ?lfwine. I figured they'd like pictures of their grandparents, (old and young) and uncles and aunts, and great grandparents if possible. I know I want those things.
?? ?Of course, as with so many other projects, it got shelved. A lot of that was because scanning and printing technology wasn't as advanced fifteen years ago. Who knows how many pictures my computer back then could have held? Well, I pulled those down and have been scanning my little heart out.
?? ?This is a picture of my grandmother Nellie (whose birthday, February 8th, I share). She had 14 brothers and sisters, and they all made it to adulthood. Impressive eh? Shes the one on the upper right. I've found I look just like her when I reach the same age (only I'm fatter than she was, and she died her grey hair blonde).
My grandmother Virginia's family (five girls, the youngest was named William) Isabelle, Glen Owens, Willye, Virginia, and Victoria.
?? ?This is a picture of Dad in the war:
This is one of HIS father, Bert, and grandmother, Elenora (which I'd never heard before) and aunt Ellie, and a friend, in 1918. Liz just found me pictures of Bert's 8 siblings. That could account for why when they got married, they had 100 first cousins between them. Mother had 11, Dad had 89. 21 uncles and aunts might account for that, and 89 might account for why Dad didn't bother to keep track of all of his cousins!
This is my mother (as a baby) with her mother and grandmother. (Grandmother was one of the first two women in Chattanooga Tennessee to bob her hair.) Wasn't she gorgeous?
This is my mothers father as a boy from a clipping from 1912 (I think), grandfather at 12, is the boy center front. Grandmother was his second wife, he'd had and lost another wife and three children before he met her. He was a millionaire during the depression, and his sister had an electric car.
And then, here's one of ?lfwine in his prime,
and one of me between Liz and Kitty:
BTW, that's Mother's portrait behind us.
?? ?I'd love to have pictures of my extended family like these, and hope I can get more, and make them available for the kids. Yes, it's great to have them on the computer, but I trust hard copies more.
?? ?
?? ?I think that's enough for these two weeks, although I could say more. I will mention that our culture makes it difficult for someone in our position- having a loved one dying. The weekend before I went up to Maine, we did two events: Saturday was the White Mountain Pagan Harvest Festival in Plymoth, NH.
I got to talk to Kirk White, whose father had died of pancreatic cancer too a few years ago. His father had lived until they left on a long-planned vacation, and then died quickly. He's fairly certain his dad just needed him to leave before he could die. Other people live until their families gather, or until some deadline that means something to them passes. It's incredibly personal. What I'm finding is that I'm avoiding mentioning it, because I don't want to look like I'm fishing for sympathy. At the same time, this is one of the central facts of my life just now. For the last ten years or so I haven't gone up to visit as much as I'd like because I'm a cheapskate and didn't want to spend the gas. Now that I know there may not be many more chances, it would seem a false economy. I hate not being honest with people, because Dad's dying does motivate a lot of what I'm doing these days, but at the same time, I know most people don't want to hear about it. Still, not mentioning the real reason makes the stuff I'm doing seem without justification.
?? ?I figure it's appropriate to warn the organizers of upcoming events where I'll be speaking that I might have to bail on them without too much warning, but at the same time, I'm not comfortable with people's reactions. People seem upset, and generally tell me they're sorry. I'm kind of sorry too- it would be good to have him around as long as I want him, but as Mother said (as she was announcing her terminal diagnosis) "We all die, dear." Strange job, calling all your kids and consoling them because you're dying. Funny world. I feel the same way, that I have to apologize for bringing death (the D word) into other people's already complicated lives. All those books I read this year about death and dying and funerals, and not one explained why we have such a hard time dealing with death. I seem particularly poor at figuring out other people's motivations. It was good to have Kirk to talk with because he didn't seem terribly disturbed about talking about it either. The Harvest Faire was fairly small, and the next day the Eastern Mass Pagan Pride Day was fairly huge. I taught two workshops in the morning, then promoted my little heart out for CTCW. Chris LaFond did the final ritual and he and friends from Earth Spirit? did one of their "web weaving" rituals. Earth Spirit is very good at rituals. I was one of the "spokes" of the web. People in the middle held one end and on the outside held the other, then everyone else had colored yarn they wove in and out and tied to the spokes. It was a gorgeous day and I wore my shiny gold hat, but when I saw pictures of myself, holy moses have I gotten fat! Good thing my personality shines through when I talk to people, eh? Or maybe looking at old pictures of myself has me thinking I still look as I used to. Ah well, if I can find a way to lose the weight I will. If not, not.
?? ?But it's time to get this out and off, and I suppose I could say don't be surprised if it's late again, but clearly, I missed last week because I was in Maine, then I'm a day late because of spending all day yesterday on the road.
?? ?Oh, I didn't tell you the end of the story. On the way back down, trying to get home before the show started (I made it with 20 minutes to spare), the car suddenly started sounding like we were going over rumble strips when we weren't. This morning I took it to Winkles, and Robert checked it out and says that the transmission is still in trouble. He said that if it was him, he'd want to be given the chance to put it right, so I called Butch and he asked if I'd be coming up that way soon. I figure I can go see Dad again while he fixes it. Robert says that when they do a major fix like that they do an extended test drive, and I think they may have been rushing because we were there waiting. Butch has also offered to loan me a car to use while he fixes it because it will take most of a day. I'm pleased that he is being good about it.
?? ?Since it's been two weeks, I've probably forgotten something, but if it's important I'll have to let you know next week.
Tchipakkan
?? ?Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel. --Author Unknown
Source: http://tchipakkan.livejournal.com/252893.html
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